Never Dull
by Olive Drab
Summary: Oneshot. A bored Hawkeye Pierce is a dangerous animal... This is either screamingly funny or too stupid for words can you help?


**Never Dull**

A bored Hawkeye Pierce was a dangerous animal. On this particular day, with a singular lack of anything to do, it had suddenly seemed like a good idea to clear out his foot locker, and now the disorganised pile of rumpled clothes, dog-eared magazines and some items which he couldn't identify and didn't want to get much closer to had spread across most of the floor area of the Swamp.

His bunkmates were dealing with the situation in ways befitting their disparate personalities. BJ Hunnicutt was defending his territory by draping his tall figure over as much of it as possible, and was amusing himself by picking up items as Hawkeye discarded them and trying to identify (a) what they might be and (b) how long they had been living in Hawkeye's footlocker. He was currently examining a small, rock-hard mound of his wife's melted fudge and wondering if it might be safe to eat once he scraped the fluff off it. Charles Emerson Winchester, on the other hand, had decided to ignore the whole affair by the simple method of turning his back on it, and was attempting to read a book.

Hawkeye reached the bottom of the chest and looked around as if noticing the chaos he had created for the first time.

"Union rules say I'm overdue for a tea break," he announced.

He cleared himself a space to sit down in and poured generous martinis for himself and BJ. For at least thirty seconds the tent was peaceful, and Charles could almost hear his blood pressure falling – until Hawkeye began to drum on the lid of the now-empty footlocker and started to regale the world in general with a continuous rendition of "Is You Is Or Is You Ain't My Baby", a song of which he knew approximately the first three lines and very little of the melody. The musical massacre proved too much for Charles, who snapped his book shut with a thump.

"Pierce, will you kindly save your ungrammatical caterwauling for the shower, or better still the latrine, where it belongs!" he roared.

Hawkeye waved a disapproving finger. "You know Charles, for a supposedly educated man, you have surprisingly little appreciation of good music," he said airily.

Charles spluttered.

BJ choked on his martini. "Hawk, was there something in your coffee this morning?"

"Nothing that ever came within 5 miles of a coffee bean, that's for sure." Standing, he picked up a roll of bandage, a golf ball and something that looked suspiciously like a dumpling and began to juggle nonchalantly.

Charles scooped a rolled-up sock from under his chair and hurled it at Hawkeye.

"Can you at least keep your filth on your own side of this pigsty?"

Without breaking rhythm, Hawkeye incorporated the sock into his act, keeping all four items in the air with ease.

"Hey, nice reflexes," commented BJ.

Hawkeye froze dramatically, allowing all his juggling gear to drop to the floor. The dumpling made a satisfying _plut_.

"Egad! Your cunning ploy has tricked me into using my secret powers!" he exclaimed. "Since I am now unmasked, I can reveal my true identity as" – he blew himself a fanfare on an imaginary trumpet and leapt onto his cot, striking a heroic pose – "Reactionman! Scourge to the slow and enemy to lethargy! With my supertuned senses, I shall anticipate danger before ordinary mortals see it, I shall leap tall nurses in a single bound, I shall…."

"_I_ shall not be responsible for _my_ reaction if you don't get out, you lunatic," grated Charles.

The door opened to admit company clerk Radar O'Reilly, who surveyed the scene in front of him and decided not to move or speak until something made sense.

"Aha!" cried Hawkeye. "Behold my trusty sidekick Radarboy! I taught him everything he knows. He sensed from a distance that I required his assistance". He paused. "Hey, that rhymes…."

"Hawkeye", said Radar hesitantly. "Can you…."

But Hawkeye had regained his train of thought. "Wait! I sense humans in grave peril! Come, my minion! We must make haste - to the mess tent!" He leapt from his cot and exited at a slow motion run, theatrically flapping his bathrobe like a cape. After a moment Radar followed, looking more confused than ever.

"Well, it's never dull when he's around; you have to give him that," said BJ shaking his head and starting to scoop things back into the footlocker.

As their voices faded, the last thing Charles heard was Radar's plaintive "But I only wanted to ask if you could sew up the rip in my bear's ear," followed by Hawkeye saying "You know, you really should be wearing your underwear outside your pants if you want to do this properly."

He allowed himself the smallest of smiles before returning to his book.

**A/N : **If you're asking what kind of mind can produce this stuff, think how I must be feeling….


End file.
